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First Ever Badfic Sporking!

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Well, I absolutely adored manx_n_shadow's sporking of a Redwall badfic called "blood omen," so I decided to spork the author's other... er... masterpiece, mostly because Manx was feeling a bit down and I wanted to cheer her up.

Just so you aren't confused, the sporkers are:

Ara, the psychotic and guillotine-happy pine marten, my Redwall alter-ego and partially a manifestation of my hatred of badfic and my Grammar Nazi tendencies

Lyulf, one of my original characters of my fanfiction Eye Of The Beholder, a powerful, scheming fox with a good, if sarcastic and slightly sadistic, sense of humor and more than a bit of an ego (but hey, being worshipped as an omnipotent fire god would do that to anyone)

Romsca, who is property of Brian Jacques and whom you should all remember anyway

This is just part one, as it's a bit long and it's all I've got done so far, about halfway.

I am not responsible for any destruction of your brain cells or faith in humanity.


Hello here is the first installment to soulless shell

Romsca: (dryly) Well, ain't that just dandy.

Ara: (shortly, with great tension) No... punctuation. No... capitals.

Romsca: Yer 'uman self read a PPCin' of this bleeder's other masterpiece, don't yer know the drill by now?

Ara: (having totally ignored her) Where's my Necronomicon? I might finally have a use for it...

Romsca: 'Old up, ain't the Necro-wotsit that cursed book tellin' yer 'ow ter raise ancient an' preferably tentacled evils from beyond th' depths of-

Lyulf: Shut it, this could be entertainin' to watch. Let 'er go 'n find it.

Romsca: (yawning and stretching) If bein' messily devoured alive by a monstrous squid-thingy is preferable ter actually 'avin' ter read this rot, than sure thing, y'great tattooed lump.

Soulless shell

Prologue Leif

My name is Leif melyamos I am a half blood a crimson king and ruler of jackal’s half bloods and rats


Romsca: Another  "crimson king?" Buggers seem ter pop up pretty often 'round 'ere.

Ara: It's a poorly-constructed parallel universe to Mossflower. Whatever standards these things retain have really slipped nowadays.

Lyulf: I wasn't aware this was a parallel universe, dearie.

Ara: If it means I can stave off a total mental breakdown for another few precious minutes, then I'm going to keep telling myself that.

Romsca: Wot're "jackal's half bloods?"

Ara: (shrugging) Bottles or other such vessels half-full of jackal blood?

Romsca: Er, come t' think of it, wot in 'Ellgates is a 'jackal' anyways?

Ara: (with a blissful sigh) Ah, the canon... it's soothing...
Lyulf: You'll be singin' a different tune in a few moments, I can tell yer that much.

I am not like the others I with grey fur and red eyes had to lead a group of blood thirsty murderers and thieves to rule the planet but back then that was not what I wanted I wanted peace a place where all races could live in harmony and well being a place where children would not have to hide in fear of many nightmares to come my name is Leif and this is my story.


Ara: Whoah... this proves a large part of one of my human-self's Sue-parodies correct, what with the "universal peace" thing. Cool.

Lyulf: (in what is obviously a stage whisper) Should we tell Miss Let's-Kill-The-Formattin'-Infidels over there that that was all one sentence?

Ara: (having obviously overheard) *twitch* Nghhhhrrgfgjfjrigfgfhhk....

Romsca: Like I said, it's typical o' the rotter. Movin' on.

Hi this is the next installment of soulless shell review

Lyulf: Already?

Ara: As a point of interest, I would like to note that this fic, if this tripe can indeed hold such a name, has not been updated in a while and has absolutely no reviews.

Romsca: Didn't stop the author, now did it?

Ara: I'm planning to accomplish exactly that. (chuckling darkly and rubbing her paws together)

Soulless shell chapter 1

Assault

A little child was running down the streets of his village he had grey fur and strange red eyes that seemed they could pierce through the toughest metal he skidded into his home


Ara: (delightedly) HEATVISION!!

Romsca and Lyulf: Eh?

Ara: Hee hee, never mind.

Im home he announced happily

His mother a jolly looking young mouse said hi honey how was school


Romsca: Well, this ain't me 'ome continuum. Beyond the Abbey an' Salamandawotsit's learnin's fer their little buggers, there's no school ever been specified.

Ara: Wait, I can assume from the 'prologue' that he's some sort of vermin, since his wish for peace is portrayed as unusual and he leads some kind of Band Of Evil... so his mum's a mouse? Shouldn't do that if the main character's species isn't even specified.

Lyulf: I think it's fer suspense an' all.

Oh it was fun momma whats for dinner

Ara: Scintillating dialogue. Simply riveting.

Romsca: Fancy words won't make it any better.

Ara: Maybe not for you. For me, they help ease the burning.

(out side the home a few rats had gathered outside the home) a huge rat came up and looked through a crack at the young half blood in the home eating one look at his eyes was all he needed .


Lyulf: Wait... wot?

Ara: The descriptions... they are not meant to be in parentheses, or indeed so short, comrades. And the grammar, it is nonexistent.

Romsca: She's talkin' all funny again...

this is the crimson king my minions we will enter this home kill all opposition and grab the boy .

Lyulf: I see yer like clever an' well-thought-out plots wid a hint of poetic irony. That's wonderful, so do I.

Romsca: Don't ferget 'is concern t' keep bloodshed and loss of innocent life at a bare minimum.

Yes sir the rats replied!!


Romsca: Wid emphasis!!

Leifs mother heard noises in the kitchen so she went in to investigate five seconds later life and his father heard a scream

Ara: I thought we locked Jehovah's Witnesses out the last time, how'd they get into my kitch- OH NO A GENERIC BRUTISH VILLAIN! HELP, BRAVE STRONG MALE CHARACTERS!

Leif grabbed his tiny dagger and ran inside his father did like wize with his blade


Ara: (almost sounding bored) Bloody euphemisms. It's really got quite old by now.

Lyulf: Makes it more bearable, though, don't it?

Romsca: 'Wize?' Wot is this narrator, a Monitor?

Ara: 'Tis possible, he's a "half-blood," and we still don't know what a "crimson king" is. He could be half-lizard, for all we know.

they skidded in to find his mother bleeding on the floor mommy he screamed as large gusts of wind emanated semmeingly


Romsca: Er... wot with 'emanated' an' all, did anybeast else read that last word as summat like...

Ara: Yes. Oh sweet Shub-Niggurath, yes. *snerk*

Lyulf: It's s'posed ter come out in gusts o' wind? I must 'ave missed somethin'.

from his body then the rats suroounded his father and beat him down Leif hid in the attic.

Romsca: Wait, wasn't 'e all ready ter kill them wid 'is liddle dagger two seconds ago? An' how'd 'e get up the stairs, wherever they are, so quick?

Where is he look harder

Ara: ...I can find no point or object for that sentence.

Leif ran down to his father who was on the floor bleeding son you must know this later when you one day return here (shares a whisper in Leifs ear ) you will know then goodbye and remember I …….love you

Ara: (wincing) Merciful Cthulhu, I thought my periods hurt. Not to mention the total lack of punctation and another random instance of script format.

Lyulf: Didn't need ter know that first bit, love.

Ara: Look who's talking, Mister "Oh, I Must Have Missed Something."

Daddy then he was seized by rough paws as he was dragged out of his former home.


Ara: Oh noez.

Stop where are you taking me Leif demanded.

Please settle down my lord every thing will be revealed to you in time.

Leif’s eyes widened at this statement a lord to whom.

To all present here my lord now please get on your paws.

Ara: I have no words.

Leif did as he was bade he stared across at a large rat who had stationed himself just across the way

Ahhh he exclaimed I greet you my lord crimson king he and all others around him bowed to Leif .


Lyulf: So only now 'e knows 'ow ter capitalize names?

Ummm excuse me sir in what way am I a king im just a poor boy whose parents you killed he exclaimed angrily.

Ara:  Excuse me, kind sir, but I'm just a poor orphan and you happen to have ruined my life. Oh wait, I'll exclaim this angrily, so it's more realistic for the situation, rawr!

I had to my lord they were keeping that secret from you for too long now it is time to take your place among your people and subjects.

Ara: (Leif) Oh, okay. That's fine, then.

Now here take this blade and follow me

But sir it looks awfully heavy

Oh pick it up young master

Leif picked it up it was surprisingly light in his paws wow he exclaimed

Now follow my lead I have to really make sure you are the crimson king he explained drawing his blade. Now hold your ground he called out.


Romsca: But, just in case, we killed yer parents an' ruined yer life anyways. Now 'old still while I ritually attempts ter kill ya.

Leif held his blade at the ready as the rat rushed at him inflicting a stinging blow to the arm!

Ahhh Leif yelled then suddenly he felt a rising anger in his chest his eyes went from red to black as he dashed at the rat inflicting many harsh blows apon his attacker then he shot a beam from his paw


Ara: Wait, what?! He shot a beam. From his paw. He's got the buggering Force?

Romsca: In case yer 'adn't noticed, Toto, we ain't in Mossflower no more.

which the rat teleported away from


Ara: (snarling incoherently with sheer Canon Nazi fury)

Romsca: Nah, 's canon, we c'n all do that. We just 'ate all the dematerializin' and wotnot, so in all nineteen novels yer won't see one vermin choose ter do it.

Lyulf: (singing) I teleported 'ome one night,
Wid Ron an' Sid an' Meg.
Ron stole Meggie's 'eart away,
An' I got Sidney's leg.


 then he got in front of Leif and placed a paw on his head whispering to him to relax.

Gradually he did when he was out of his powerful state he became very dizzy ohhh what happened.

You proved to every one present that you are the crimson king now come my lord there is much to do.

He turned to the rat and said sir what is your name?

The rat turned halfway and replied karas young master as they walked away he thought goodbye.


Ara: (having calmed down somewhat) Why does he only capitalize Leif's name?

Romsca: 'Cos 'e's oh-so-speshul, obviously.

Stop where are you taking me Leif demanded.

Ara: Mood swings strike again!

Soulless shell chapter 3

A new life

Leif continued to follow Karas out of the village then they followed the forest path then the went slightly west off the path and continued for a few miles until they reached a cave they followed him through the cave


Ara: Lack of noun-antecedent agreement nonwithstanding, that's got to be the least interesting run-on description I've ever seen.

then they went up through a passage that went up and out he found himself back out in the sun as he looked forward he saw a large tower surrounded by a vast village suddenly karas spoke.

Welcome my lord to vacadoris!


Ara: (theatrically) Welcome to Vacadoris, home of the world's largest standing architectural phallic symbol and its scenic surrounding village! Step right up, one and all, only five dollars a person!

Leif looked up to see the village gate open slightly as he entered the village grew deathly silent as he walked through the streets many people bowed respectively to him and many young girls giggled at the sight of him but still bowed.

Ummm why are they doing this doing this karas.

Simple my lord they know whom their master is.

But that’s not what I want Leif thought to himself.


Lyulf: Funny, yer'd think 'e'd like 'em all worshippin' him. I  sure do.

Romsca: Yer an egotist ter the extreme, fox, an' bloody insane, might I add.

Come now my lord we have very much to do today.

All right karas let us go to uhhh where are we going?

Do you see that tower in the middle of the village my lord?

Yes I do karas.


Lyulf: (Leif) An' despite my "gusts" earlier, I'm really feelin' quite inadequate right now.

Ara: *snerk*

Well my lord that is where you will rule from and learn of how you are the crimson king.

Alright karas lets go.

As they walked into the large tower like castle and walked into a large circle room where a large rat stood ah welcome my lord he bowed my name is thrnos he bowed.


Romsca: I c'n barely pronounce that name.

Lyulf: Don't bother, then.

Ara: He just bowed twice, in the same run-on sentence. Obsequious sort of chap.

Oh please sir don’t bow to me I don’t deserve it.

Ara: Now he just sounds even more like a poor Dickensian orphan. Sigh.

Ohhh but you do my king (in his mind he so dearly wished he could sneer at him) but enough about that we have much to do and soo little time.

Ara: What's really starting to bother me is that with some proper description, nixing the Stu-powers or at least severely toning them down, and most of all grammar and formatting, this could have almost been bearable.

Romsca: Almost.

Sir what are we doing exactly.

We are completely proving that you are the crimson king my liege.

How do we do that?

You know for some one so young you sure do ask a lot of questions Leif tell me what race were your parents.

My mother was a mouse and my father was a rat which you brutally killed Leif said emotionless.

Lyulf: Well, now we know. 'E's a mouse-rat.

Ara: (with some relief) At least the species crossing is biologically plausible, and with a reformed!rat the implied happy marriage could actually work. Won't save this, though.

Ahh but for a good reason they lied about your lineage and I believe you can do much more for your people lord now go with karas your first test is to begin.

Come with me young master karas obediently told Leif.

Okay karas.

As karas and Leif walked away he sneered oh don’t worry my lord in a few years you will belong to me hahahahaha!


Lyulf: Ah, nothin' like a good ol' bit o' perversion.

Ara: The joys of hebephilic villains. This guy gives manaical laughter a bad name.

Romsca: Steady on there, may'aps 'e just wants 'im to do the castle laundry.

Lyulf: An wot kinda Corsair are yer?

Romsca: Just sayin'. I get a bit sick of yer debatin' the details, 'cos it makes me start picturin' the stuff.

Okay my lord the first test is if you can defeat normal warriors we must go to the arena to do this follow me young master.


Lyulf: But Karas knows 'e's the king already, 'cos Leif just defeated 'im last chapter like 'e was supposed ter.

Romsca: Quit usin' logic, 's makin' my brains 'urt.

Ara: (slyly) If they're causing you so much agony, dear Romsca, I would gladly take them off your paws.

Romsca: Bugger off an' let's finish this rot. You ain't gettin' none o' my organs. Go 'n bother the author.

Ara: (taken aback and rather offended) You actually think he's got a brain?

As they entered the gates they slammed behind him surprisingly Leif did not flinch when this happened okay send in the challengers.

Leif could see that all of them were at least 20 seasons above him he took the sword which karas handed him he watched as karas nimbly jumped up into the seats begin!!

The rats rushed at him as Leif raised his blade the first one got to him without thinking he brutally slashed the rat to pieces then the next rat rushed at him Leif nimbly jumped over his head and sung his blade downwards as he watched the rat slice in half the last one came at him he teleported much to karas surprise


Lyulf: (Karas) 'Ey, teleportin' was my special power, the bleeder!

and slashed him in the back as he fell to the ground karas jumped down to meet him very good job young master well done now to the final test.

What will this test consist of karas.


Ara: You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest wiiiiiiith... a herring!

We will try to find the crimson kings eye on your body.


Lyulf: Alright, take yer clothes off an' bend over.

Ara: Do not want.

The what !!

It is the eye that proves that you are the crimson king it is hidden on your body some where now come he sat Leif down on a chair as he spoke to him okay young master try to relax.


Lyulf: Told yer. See, 'e don't want 'im gettin' all tense when-

Ara: You're disturbing me.

Leif did as he was bade when karas opened his paw and a bright light went over his body then suddenly a large eye appeared on his neck with a bloody pupil and three spikes adorned the lid I guess you are the crimson king young master.

What exactly is a crimson king sir?

A crimson king is a war leader and a god a life source and a great power the crimson king is the one who is supposed to give the land to our kind.

Hmmm that sounds like you are basically talking about taking over innocent lives he spoke without an expression on his face and enslaving people and trying to use me as a puppet oh I don’t think you are friend karas I think that is the intentions of our friend trhnos.

Lyulf: Was it the incessant sneering wot gave it away?

Hmm karas thought this child is more resourceful then I thought and he harbors my hatred for trhnos.

Come now young master we must now go back to trhnos as they walked back in the circle room trhnos greeted them ahh karas is Leif our king?

Yes my lord he is very well now Leif I am sending you to live with a good friend of mine aveena come in please.

Aveena was a beautiful young fox she of course was taken in by the goraiathans


Romsca: Leviathans?

Lyulf: Gorayanathans?

Ara: Golgafrinchians?!

when she was found beat up by the shore because of her injures she was told she would never be able to bear children which was what she wanted more than anything else in the world.


Ara: Sue. Kill it. Kill it now, with fire. But thank Azathoth, at least it can't spawn.

You will stay with her for a few weeks until I think you are ready now take him to his new home Aveena.

Yes thrnos she said obediently.

Come Leif she said with a cheerful smile.

As Leif walked into Aveena’s home he looked arouned it was sparsely furnished umm miss Aveena.

Yes Leif

why did they have to kill my parents Leif asked.

Aveena felt her heart ache at this statement I do not know Leif.


Lyulf: 'Course she don't, 'ow would she? Why's the Sue th' only one usin' logic?

(for many days Aveena and Leif spent time together they became closer)


Romsca: (wolf whistle)

Lyulf: 'Old 'ard there, yer ain't seen the next sentence?

Ara: Aye, methinks the pirate lass doth misconstrue the point.

Romsca: Now she's talkin' a diff'rent sort o' funny.

Umm he asked one day embarrassed would you mind being my mother?

Romsca: Oh. Er. Um. Well, it ain't un'eard of, I s'pose...

Ara: No, it's not like that at all. I think. I do dearly hope.

She did not see that coming why would you want that im basically nothing much I don’t have much either.

I don’t care you are the only person here who has treated me like a person and not a king and a lord and god and all of that other confusing stuff.

Okay she said with a smile on her face I can do that she smiled as he walked up to her and hugged her.

I wanna go to bed now momma.

Her heart felt warm when he called her that okay as he walked in there are no other beds so I guess you will have to sleep with me.


Ara: Never mind. Oedipal complex ahoy!

Okay momma he jumped on to the bed and lay there she got in as well and he moved closer and hugged her good night he said.

Good night as she fell to sleep she wondered how thrnos would take this.

Yay time for a new character please review I need REVIEWS!!

Lyulf: (wince) Yer sure do, kid. Yer sure do.

Disclaimer: All Douglas Adams, H.P. Lovecraft, and Monty Python references are simply that, and obviously not intended as copyright infringement.

Thanks to manx_n_shadow for the idea of using Romsca. I love writing Jacques's Corsair accents. :P

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Comments

(Deleted comment)
lycaenion
May. 10th, 2008 02:50 am (UTC)
With that last quotation, exactly. Hence Lyulf's little comment. ^_^

But I know, I was just like "TELEPORTED?! OMGWTFWWTPTASDFGHJKL;!!!!1111!!!"

CHOCOLAAAAAATE. I love you too, in the same purely platonic fashion. :)

I totally neglected my homework to do this, but I shall hopefully get the next part up soon.

Sporking is funnnnn. :D

(And, I only live about an hour away from NYC, which is awesome. I love that city, 'specially Chinatown. And I've got relatives in Brooklyn.)
(Deleted comment)
lycaenion
May. 11th, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
I know, I'm uploading that bit right now. D:

On the plus side, there was so much double-entendre I was snerking quite a lot of the way through it.
snuffsnuff
May. 11th, 2008 12:52 am (UTC)
I just love how you uh, 'spork' the story. I used to do stuff like that, until I ran out of people to help me spork a story. I am now going to spork a comic, though it depends on who will spork it with me.
lycaenion
May. 11th, 2008 06:53 pm (UTC)
Heh, thanks. This was fun, despite the fact that a lot of the actual text made me either want to cry or start burning things, and I'd like to help you.

chelonianmobile
May. 11th, 2008 12:28 pm (UTC)
I've been giggling aloud all through this. Good job!

I revise my opinion. This is not Redwall's "legolas by laura". This is Redwall's "Eye of Argon". Now he just needs to have a girlfriend with a figure like a baseball bat with a couple of cantaloupes taped to it (to quote the MSTer of the above), find a "scarlet emerald" which turns into a green-slime-oozing monster at random moments, and "dismember his enemy's arms" (cut the arm off his ... arm?), and he'll be set!

Remind me to MST the obscene reviews everyone's been receiving lately. Perfect candidate. I think I'll use S&S (both of whom will sigh at the utter lack of imagination in the "threats"), and maybe one canon character - who would you like me to use?
lycaenion
May. 11th, 2008 06:56 pm (UTC)
Gleee, I was hoping you'd see it. :)

Wasn't "Eye Of Argon" the most MST-ed story ever, or something?

Well, I just uploaded the second bit, which involves what will obviously be his future love interest as well as an annoying fangirl who I thought was about seven and whom the sporkers have thus been making paedophilia jokes about until it was revealed she was seventeen. o_O

Hmmm, canon character...
It would probably destroy a goodbeast's mind, so how about Sawney Rath?
Or on the other hand, you could use somebeast like Tansy or Armel and watch them turn into quivering lumps. :/
chelonianmobile
May. 11th, 2008 07:13 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah. Apparently they hold competitive readings of the thing at sci-fi cons. For added fun, inhale helium while reading it. Even without helium, many people apparently fail to be able to read out a single word.

Okay, Sawney then. And I think we'll end it with Laburnum and Foxglove leaving the projection booth and demanding to do utterly gruesome things to the moron in real life. Since I'm pretty sure he's from 4chan, perhaps some part of the Holders Series would do, and also teach him some genuinely imaginative horrible things to happen to people ... I doubt S&S will allow them, but they'll ask. (After what they did to the two Nighthunt captains who attacked Laburnum in the recruiting mission - it involved a dead hedgehog and a scythe handle - and the Redneck Trees execution during TS, they're in psychiatric treatment. This being comedy, said treatment involves Skyfire carrying around a kid's piggy bank labelled "Rape Jar" and making them put money in it. If they use the Holders they'll have to put about fifty times as much as usual in the thing, but since everyone from the Pit will be paying them to get rid of the guy, this won't be a problem.)
chelonianmobile
May. 11th, 2008 09:14 pm (UTC)
(After rereading this comment, I'd like to clear up one point; L&F are given treatment which actually works for their behavioural problems as well as the silly one. The difference is, treatment which works wouldn't be funny, so nobody sees much of it onscreen. Pointing this out just in case.)
(Anonymous)
Jan. 30th, 2011 08:40 pm (UTC)
it was very interesting to read. I want to quote your post in my blog. It can? And you et an account on Twitter?.

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